Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wed Sept 2 Day 20

Henry is 20 days old.

I got an email today from Mary, a friend of the Mottaz family. Thank God for Mary and this email. She put into words how I have been feeling and made it okay. This has been a really hard experience. Everything changed in a blink. One minute I was pregnant and super round and upset that no clothes fit me and willing this baby out of me and then I was in the hospital and then the baby is here and then we are home and WHOA stop this train, I want to get off! I used to do stuff. I used to read and email and talk about work and plan and write and complete to do lists. Now I feed a baby and change a baby and try to put a baby to sleep and I don't get to sleep and I hate being woken up and I haven't had a dream in weeks. Why does this seem so hard and why do I hate it sometimes? I am mourning my old life and I miss us. Then I feel awful and I cry and I'm scared of what people will think of me if they find out. All of my friends with kids keep telling me to enjoy every moment and I'm not. I enjoy lots of moments, but when I have time to think, I am sad, then ashamed and then scared. I love Henry, but this is hard and I am not loving that.

Then I get Mary's email and she says, "My point is, for many parents, this is a wonderful time IN RETROSPECT. It's hard, and at times it's wonderful, but in case you are feeling like I felt, don't worry. If you want to hang on to these moments, video tape and look at it when you are rested. It will seem very wonderful then. :)

It does get easier as you get more rested and get things figured out. But having a child is perhaps the hardest thing in the world at first, and then having a child becomes the most wonderful thing in the world. On good days. :)"

Thank you Mary. I really needed to hear that this is normal too.

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