Wed Sept 30, Day 48

Thoughts on sleep...

no, I'm not going to complain about not getting enough sleep. We have had enough of those complaints. Although, I'm still not sleeping through the night.

I absolutely love it when Henry falls asleep when I am holding him. It might be after he is done nursing and he just dozes off in my arms and on the boppy. It might be that I am rocking him to sleep. It might be that he is fussy so I have him on my chest and I lightly bounce/shake him up and down to settle him and he falls asleep. It doesn't matter how or why it happens, but I love it. However, in some of the books I have read (and I think I am overloading on information) it says that you shouldn't let your baby get too used to sleeping in situations you don't want to repeat forever. Now I know that I don't want to bounce Henry to sleep every single time he is supposed to go to sleep from now until he goes to college, but I do want to hold my baby as much as possible. I don't think it can hurt to let him sleep on me or in my arms from time to time. He's not even two months old yet.

Another thought: sleeping in bed with us. We do not co-sleep with Henry. Neither of us would sleep. We do bring him into bed with us if he is super cranky and he's been fed and changed. If he just wants to be held and its four or five in the morning and I've been up multiple times during the night, he comes to bed with us.

I've talked about the bassinet and the crib and naps in previous posts.

Sleeping in the swing: sometimes this is a blessing. If we just can't get him to sleep or if I am cooking dinner, Henry goes in the swing. Thank you for the swing, Mike and Amanda! I don't think it does him any harm to sleep in the swing. I try not to let it happen more than once a day because I want to make sure he get comfortable sleeping in his crib too.

Dreams: Ever since we got home I have had dreams that I am feeding Henry or that I am holding him and I wake up and FREAK OUT when he isn't there. This dream happens too often, but it has slowed down a lot. It's not every night anymore.

Tues Sept 29, Day 47

Henry is changing already. I know I've written about this before, but it really hits me sometimes. I know that he is going to change. I know it. Of course babies change and grow and get bigger and he will be able to do things he can't do now, but it seems like he has changed so much already. His hands, his small little hands have already gotten bigger. Patty likes to talk about how his feet have changed. She took this beautiful picture of his feet when he was about three hours old. They are wrinkly and water-logged. The picture is gorgeous.

His feet don't look like that anymore. They are smooth and pink and wonderful.

His face is different, his cheeks are chubby, he has two chins.

I just know that I am going to miss this. I am going to miss every moment. I try to take mental notes so I won't forget, but I'm already forgetting. I'm so grateful for digital photography. I-photo can help with my memory loss.

Monday 9/28, Day 46

Now that I know we can take Henry out and about or at least now that I am more comfortable with me taking Henry out, I am going to get braver.

Today I took Henry in the ergo carrier to Ralph's so I could get groceries for my new cooking project (a month of weeknight meals from Real Simple). I pushed his stroller too, so I would have a way to carry the bags home.

Henry fusses a little when you put him in the ergo, but once he is in, he sleeps soundly. I love having him so close and having my hands free. I need to use it even more so that he gets used to it.

We had to buy the infant attachment thing for the ergo so we could use it while he is this little. It's funny because he isn't that little, but he is still an infant who can't hold up his own head. He needs the extra support.

The ergo is different from the baby bjorn in the fact that Henry will always be facing me. He could be on my side, front or back, but he always faces me. That way he has control over his surroundings. If he gets overstimulated and wants to hide or look away, he can. We haven't had this problem yet since he promptly falls asleep. I will report any new developments.

Sunday 9/27, Day 45: DISNEYLAND

Holy Crap! We did it!

We ventured outside of a two mile radius and we took Henry to Disneyland (specifically California Adventure) for Patty's birthday. It was very successful and now we know we can do it!

I nursed him in a bathroom, in the theater watching Aladdin and in the car before we left.

I changed him in a bathroom and Phillip changed him in a bathroom.

When he was awake, he was great! He looked at lights and at people. He didn't fuss. He slept. It went really well.

and on top of it all: It was his first time at Disneyland! Patty's friend, Ky, gave us all buttons and Henry's says, "First Visit". It was adorable. If you are friends with Patty, you should watch the video she has on facebook of us arriving. It makes me cry just remembering it. We have such wonderful, sweet and creative friends.

Saturday 9/26, Day 44

Henry went with us to a parenting class at church. I love these classes, but this is the first time I actually have a baby. He's not in my tummy anymore, he is here! I have so many questions, I can't wait to get there.

And then we get there and I totally chicken out. I don't ask anything. I'm afraid that since I'm the only one with a tiny baby and everyone else has toddlers, that I'm going to waste people's time.

I left so disappointed in myself. I have so many questions and I'm so afraid to ask people. I will call Emily and Janet and bend their ears, but I usually hold back something. I talk too much and I don't ask enough about everyone else. Am I already so self (Henry) involved?

Is it like this for everyone?

By the way, Henry was wonderful while we were there. Once he got tired of being in his car seat, we put a blanket down and he laid on the ground. And when he got sleepy, we took turns holding him. So even though he was sick, he was still a great baby. We are so lucky and blessed and grateful for this miracle.

PS Happy Birthday Patty!

Friday Sept 25, Day 43

I hit a wall. I absolutely cannot get up three times in a night. When Henry starts crying that third time, I'm delusional. I can't see straight. I'm grumpy like you wouldn't believe (unless you are related to me and of course you can believe it). I start crying. My head feels so heavy. I'm a mess.

and then my hero is there

Even though Phillip gets up with me almost every time anyway, he always pulls through on this third time. He will get Henry, change him, rock him, soothe him until I get it together.

It's cliche, but I don't know what I would do without him.

Thu Sept 24, Day 42

I took Henry to the doctor. I called this morning and said, you have to see today. Henry had so much trouble breathing last night and I just couldn't take it.

And guess what?

He has an ear infection. It turns out that it's hereditary and Phillip had them all the time when he was a baby/kid. My baby is sick! He has an infection! Now he needs antibiotics. He is taking amoxicillin for ten days.

Janet told me that she thought I might have just been nervous and the doctor would tell us that everything was ok. Then when it turned out that he has an ear infection, she was proud and glad that I went with my instincts. And here I was thinking I didn't have any instincts for this whole motherhood thing.

Wednesday Sept. 23, Day 41

Oh my God, I am freaking out. Henry has a stuffy nose. Phillip has been sick for quite a few days. We have been pushing vitamins and exercise and trying to deny that he is sick, but he is. I called the nurse on Monday or was it yesterday...

Anyway, I asked her what we should do when one of us is sick. We can avoid other people easily, but we can't avoid him. She told us that we should not cough or sneeze near him. If I'm nursing, and I'm sick, then I should cover him with a blanket or a towel. If we are sick, we shouldn't kiss him on his face or hands.

But then, it started last night. He is so stuffy. I can hear him struggling to breathe. He doesn't know to breathe through his mouth instead. He is struggling while nursing. My heart is breaking.

Tuesday 9/22, Day 40

and then there's today...

no poop at all. I think he is saving up.

Monday Sept 21, Day 39

BLOWOUT

There are many uses of the word blowout:

Women go to the salon to get their hair blown out.

A car tire can have a blowout.

Every so often stores have blowout sales.

And then there is what happened to us today. I don't think I need to go into details, but you should know there was enough POOP to allow me to use the word blowout while speaking about my baby.

wow.

Sun Sept 20, Day 38

Somehow, it always seems to happen that as soon as I sit down and start nursing my sweet Henry, I realize... I need to pee! It is very hard to wiggle and "hold it" while sitting in a chair with a boppy and a baby on your lap/chest.

Phillip and I have gotten into the habit of changing Henry in between breasts. Now that we are more comfortable changing him on our own, I race to the bathroom instead of helping Phillip.

classy!

Sat Sept 19 Day 37

TERMITES

yuck yuck yuck

Apparently another great feature of living in Southern freaking California is the lovely fact that termite eggs get carried by the wind and where ever they land, they hatch. After they hatch, they try to find a place to burrow and if they can't find it, they die. WELL, a crap ton of termite eggs found their way into the fluorescent light fixture in our kitchen today! Loads of winged termites were trapped in the plastic where I found them flapping and buzzing (sorta, it was a GROSS noise) while I also found other flying and landing on the window, the counters, the floor, everywhere. One was on my pants.

How does this happen? We have an entire apartment above us and that one has two floors!

I ran out to get organic and baby/pet safe bug killer while Phillip and our manager vacuumed as many as they could. It was nasty and the apartment smelled like root beer the whole day and night. That's what the organic bug killer smells like. I kept Henry in his room with the door closed. His is the only room that smells normal.

Please God, do not let this have poisoned Henry. Please, please, please.

Fri Sept 18 Day 36

Martha came to visit!
Patty is home from Thailand!

and we are trying to put Henry down for naps without rocking him or putting him to sleep first.

The good stuff:

Martha brought Henry the cutest pillow called an Animallow. It's a super soft turtle and he loves it.

Patty and Norman are home safe and they brought back lots of pictures and birthday prizes!! Hand painted fan and purse with my name in English and Thai! Wow!

Patty says that Henry is crazy bigger than ten days ago. I filled her in on all weight changes. He has been changing a lot. Phillip will be in the bedroom doing transcription all day, then come hang out with us for dinner and Henry looks different to Phillip too! And that's only about 8 hours away from him! This makes me nervous about going back to school. I don't want to miss anything and I'm gonna have to. :(

Now the "bad" stuff.

So I have been trying to catch up on my "how to take care of your baby" reading because they tell you that you should follow your instincts, but I don't have any instincts. I can't make a decision at all about anything. And when I do, I question it like crazy.

Baby Wise encourages parents to put their babies on a flexible Parent Directed schedule where the baby nurses every 2 1/2 - 3 hours. After nursing the baby should have some awake time and then nap for 1 - 1 1/2 hours before the next eating time.

We have Henry on a schedule of nursing about every 2 1/2 hours, but we are so flexible that the times are different every day. That is not good according to the book. In order to be consistent, you should feed him around the same time every day, then he is napping at around the same time every day and this will lead him to good sleep habits and then he will begin to sleep through the night. You can be flexible if he wants to eat earlier or you have an appointment, etc, but you should work toward keeping to that schedule.

AND you have to stick to the Eat, Wake, Nap order. Well, crap! AND you need to put the baby to sleep in his crib while still awake so he can learn how to fall asleep and soothe himself. Crap again. I haven't always stuck to the order and up until today I have NEVER put him to bed while still awake.

We have been trying it today and once in a while he will fall asleep on his own, the other times he cries for almost the entire hour. I don't know what to do. I don't go in there. I don't pick him up until its time to eat again. I don't know if this is going to work. I hate hearing him cry. I want to make him feel better. I don't want to make him a fussy baby. I don't know what to do.

Thu Sept 17, Day 35

TARGET! We all went to TARGET! Yay, life is returning to normal!

Phillip and I both were able to take showers today too! It's all about the little things.

Wed Sept 16, Day 34

Another breast feeding class and Henry weighed in at 10lbs 15.5 oz!! He gained a pound in a week. I think I might stop going to this class. It's a support class and I think whatever we are doing is working. I worry just to worry.

I should say, though, that Henry has been SUPER fussy while nursing lately! He just kicks and shakes his head like crazy. He doesn't always do it and of course he didn't do it at the class in front of the lactation consultant, but it worries me. I can't calm him down. I can eventually get him to latch on or latch back on. Cambria, the consultant, thinks that it might be related to the milk flow. She says that if it starts coming too fast or slow, it might freak him out. If its too fast, then I should lean back and that will slow it down. If it is too slow, I can try to massage the breast to help speed it up.

We also read online that he might be having a growth spurt, so he might be uncomfortable. Shoot, he only weighs 11ish lbs and he gained one whole pound in a week. If we gained 1/11th of our weight in a week, we would be hurting too!

Tue Sept 15, Day 33

Henry's first boogers. I know this is kinda gross and you are probably thinking that you shouldn't be reading this blog anymore, but it was momentous! Henry hasn't really had any boogers yet so I got to use that bulb thing for the first time and after quite a few tries, I got them out!

I was thrilled!

Mon Sept 14, Day 32

Its my birthday. The first birthday where I am a mom. Weird. This isn't really about Henry, but it kinda is...

Sun Sept 13, Day 31

Another first! Henry went to church for the first time and boy was he a hit! Chris and Sandra went with us and usually guests are a big deal. Well, no one wanted anything to do with them, or with Phillip and I. Henry was the show!

He slept through most of the service. He was in the stroller until it started, then he was a bit fussy. I put him in the sling and he just slept and slept. Just like when he was inside me, he loved the music. Its not like he kicks me anymore, I can just tell that music soothes him.

We didn't stay for the barbecue afterwards because I had to feed him and we didn't want to get too crazy on his first weekend out.

I am so proud of this little baby. He can't do much yet, but he is so sweet and beautiful and I love introducing him to everyone I know.

Sat Sept 12, Day 30

YAY! Chris and Sandra are here! More visitors to see Henry and witness that we truly have become parents!

Today also marked Henry's first real outing! We went to Aroma Cafe to celebrate my birthday. I love Aroma. The food is great, you can sit outside, they have awesome iced tea and great desserts.

Henry is now four weeks old so we can bring him to stores, restaurants, church, etc. Its not like he can't get sick anymore, but his little body is growing and he can hopefully fight off more germs. He has not had any vaccinations yet, but I hope everything he gets from me will help protect him.

Fri Sept 11, Day 29 Never Forget

For the most part, Phillip dresses Henry. During our early morning feeding (6-8am ish) Phillip picks out the clothes for the day while Henry is nursing. We have been blessed with lots of clothes to choose from, especially 3-6 month clothes. We were also very excited to receive, from Roxane and Tom, socks, in all colors, that look like converse high tops. Phillip color coordinates Henry's onesies with his socks.

We love it!

Thu Sept 10, Day 28

If we don't swaddle Henry when he sleeps or if he Houdinis his way out of his swaddle, Henry likes to sleep with his legs bent and to the sides and both arms in the air. He looks like a frog being dissected. We have nicknamed this "The Frog."

Wed Sept 9, Day 27

We went to our first breast feeding support class today and we learned a lot. First of all, Henry weighed in at 9lbs 15.5 oz. Holy Crap! At the end of the class, he weighed 10lbs 2 oz. The teacher weighs the babies at the start of class with no clothes on, just a clean diaper. Then she weighs them at the end to see how much milk each baby takes in. So Henry had two and a half ounces of breast milk while we were there.

I learned a few tricks, but I was not able to do them at home and this was frustrating. I don't know if my chair is wrong or I'm using the boppy wrong. I'm confused and frustrated.

I am super happy he is gaining weight.

Sept 8, day 26

Today was our first day apart. I cried on my way to school. I called my sister and cried on her voicemail.

I had to go to school for an all day meeting. I won't be going back to teaching until November, but this first staff meeting was important for me to attend.

Phillip, with Amanda's help, took care of Henry all day. He had three bottles and just as many naps and play time. I pumped twice and it was a bit awkward. This is going to take planning and getting used to.

I got to show off pictures on my phone. Such a proud mommy.

Even though the day went well, I was pretty grumpy when I got home. I'm not used to this yet.

Monday 9/7 Labor Day and Day 25

What an uneventful holiday, yet this was Henry's first holiday! YAY!

We went for a long and nice walk with Karen. It was so nice outside. The heat is finally breaking. I know it won't last long, but it was so beautiful.

We spent a lot of time practicing with the bottle, pumping and then freaking out because Henry wasn't getting satisfied at his feedings. I know you can't really run out of milk, but I got so upset because I could not feed my baby.

We also video chatted with Great Grandma Mary! This was the first time she had seen him other than in pictures. It was wonderful to hear her voice.

Now Henry has been asleep since 6:30/7:00 and I don't want to wake him. I would rather he wakes up on his own at night, but I have to get up early tomorrow and I can't go to sleep because I know I have to feed him and GAH.

Oh and I forgot to include that on Friday night, he slept for about five hours. From 11pm to 4 am. We felt GREAT!

Sunday 9/6 Day 24

Henry's first bottle!

We have to introduce bottles because I will eventually go back to work and this coming Tuesday will find me at an all day meeting at school.

Henry had no problem with the bottle. We are using the bottles that came with the pump, but I might switch to the Avent newborn bottles soon because I want to make sure we don't get confused. The Avent bottles have a slow flow.

I have to admit, I got really sad when Phillip fed him. Don't get me wrong, I was glad that he could participate in this, but I felt like I wasn't needed anymore. I know that he is still drinking my milk and of course he needs me, but it was a wave of despair that covered me when he took to the bottles so quickly.

Saturday September 5

Today at 11am, Henry and I dropped Phillip off at Annie's house. He is going to be gone all day. It's just Henry and me. This was the first time I drove with him and we were all alone. Let me tell you, he really likes the car when its moving, but let's say you go to the Starbucks drive thru and you have to wait in the line, then your son starts to cry every time you idle. It was a good experiment.

So it was just the two of us. We went to Odyssey video. We spent a lot of time on the phone talking to Sharon AND we bought a jogging stroller at a yard sale for $30! JACKPOT! I needed this so when Henry can hold his head up, we are going to make sure I fit into my pants before I have to go back to work!

Mike came by in the afternoon to help out and we talked about the elaborate bachelor party weekend he was participating in. Amanda brought dinner and we hung out with Patty for a while. Then we all tried to watch 17 Again, but it got late and Henry needed to eat and sleep.

Amanda and I will make another date with Zac.

Friday 9/4 Three Weeks Old

We got a visit from the Oberle/Pardos and from Julie. Thank you for pasta salad and peanut butter and chocolate ice cream pie. Seriously, does anything else sound better?

Phillip is working again so Henry and I spend a lot of time together. We read, bounce on the ball, eat, sleep, pee and poop, eat, play Sudoku. All the normal things a mom and her son should do together.

Thursday 9/3 Day 21

Henry mimicked me! We really do think this kid is a genius. He's just about three weeks old and he is so smart! He is doing so much better at making eye contact and holding it. He and I were staring at each other and I started sticking out my tongue at him. I just kept repeating it and then HE DID IT TOO! I swear he is going to go to Harvard and maybe be president someday. I will show him The West Wing and he will be the next President Bartlett or President Obama.

Wed Sept 2 Day 20

Henry is 20 days old.

I got an email today from Mary, a friend of the Mottaz family. Thank God for Mary and this email. She put into words how I have been feeling and made it okay. This has been a really hard experience. Everything changed in a blink. One minute I was pregnant and super round and upset that no clothes fit me and willing this baby out of me and then I was in the hospital and then the baby is here and then we are home and WHOA stop this train, I want to get off! I used to do stuff. I used to read and email and talk about work and plan and write and complete to do lists. Now I feed a baby and change a baby and try to put a baby to sleep and I don't get to sleep and I hate being woken up and I haven't had a dream in weeks. Why does this seem so hard and why do I hate it sometimes? I am mourning my old life and I miss us. Then I feel awful and I cry and I'm scared of what people will think of me if they find out. All of my friends with kids keep telling me to enjoy every moment and I'm not. I enjoy lots of moments, but when I have time to think, I am sad, then ashamed and then scared. I love Henry, but this is hard and I am not loving that.

Then I get Mary's email and she says, "My point is, for many parents, this is a wonderful time IN RETROSPECT. It's hard, and at times it's wonderful, but in case you are feeling like I felt, don't worry. If you want to hang on to these moments, video tape and look at it when you are rested. It will seem very wonderful then. :)

It does get easier as you get more rested and get things figured out. But having a child is perhaps the hardest thing in the world at first, and then having a child becomes the most wonderful thing in the world. On good days. :)"

Thank you Mary. I really needed to hear that this is normal too.

SEPTEMBER, holy crap it's September 1 Day 19

The biggest thing that happened today was that, with Mike and Amanda's help, we successfully got a picture of our very own Nerd Baby. Since everyone thought he would be born with his own set of black framed glasses and they were disappointed when it didn't happen: here it is!

Thanks to mom and dad for getting us the glasses. You guys are wonderful.

I'm sorry I couldn't get the photo to rotate.